im a big believer that dreams are quite linked to things that are or were on our mind recently, and the mind is just playing out some sick sort of home movie - starring you! so heres last night's dream, and my interpretation of how it links to things that have been going on in my life.

dream 10-20-09 into 10-21-09

im in what appears to be a large bank lobby, but its a mix between a bank lobby and work. actually, i know its where i work. marble dominates the area and there are people everywhere in here. but for some reason i think they are studying. ive got my laptop and ipod with me, and i sit down and get ready to begin work on my writing. before i can begin, my girlfriend comes over to the table i am at and begins talking to me. she is telling me about how she is worried that her package still hasnt arrived. its something that she wants to share with other people. she keeps looking out the font glass doors nervously, hoping that it will come. a brown oversized truck pulls up, hogging the road a bit. another truck pulls up on the other side. i can tell something isnt right. my girlfriend moves off toward the one door to talk to the guy from the big delivery truck. i dont think they have her package, and i know she wont be pleased. at the same time, some faceless entity goes to meet the other person coming in the doors from the other side. this is the guy that is giving me the problematic feelings. again, something is terribly wrong, i can sense it. when he gets in i know its a robbery. i find a small door off to the left side of the building, and drop my laptop and ipod in it, locking it behind. mayhem ensues. im trying to direct people different ways to keep the panic down, and to keep people from getting hurt. my focus is on others. after everything clears, it all seems to go back to normal. people are reading. but... i return to my table and the laptop is gone. i begin freaking out, frantically searching all over to try and find it. i open up cabinets, but there are hundreds of them. everyone seems to be watching me as i push through everything i can. some people even help me when seeing my frantic nature. i begin accusing people of having stolen my laptop and ipod. they are offended. my heart sinks as i know all of my writings and pictures were stored on there. i even go as far as to pick up something resembling mine, but it isnt it - this one has an off shape that curves off awkwardly, and its made of some sort of rubber to allow flexibility. the kid informs me that it only costs $40. it doesnt matter to me, as i lost everything on mine. i return home. later in the evening im talking to my girlfriend. its late. and it hits me while im talking to her - i placed the laptop in a closet! my girlfriend is confused as to why im rushing off in the middle of the night, but i know its something i have to do. i cant get into the building though, its all blocked off. so i go through a parking garage, knowing i can get to the place i need to from there. but each way i go seems a little more blocked off from the next. there is a way to go through but it will take me across some of the other floors to get back to where i need to be. i snake through the corridors, finally hitting the area i thought would lead me there, but its a dead end. i turn around and there is a cuban man there who tells me he can show me how to get to where i need to go. i agree, and he leads me off to some back staircases that are seldom used. i have to climb off of them in odd ways, positioning myself backwards at times, sometimes stretching myself to the limits. but eventually... i get there.

 

logical reasons for the dream:

• i was using my laptop before going to bed, and fell asleep quickly after. after a few moments of sleep, i woke up wondering if i moved my laptop from the bed and freaked out when it wasnt there. i had to get up and check for it. (lost laptop)
• my girlfriend is waiting on a response from a job and has been disappointed lately as she has heard no responses on it. (waiting for a package)
• a ups truck blocked the street i was going down yesterday, and it really pissed me off (brown truck blocking the road)
• at work yesterday a woman was frantic on the phone about some accesses. i tried to calm her down and help to get things straightened out for her (calming and directing people)
• a lot of money matters have come up recently for my house purchase ($40 item)
• i was in the parking garage connected to the building at work, which connects on an odd floor to the building. you have to go up and over to get there. (parking garage entrance and going through odd floors)
• at the cigar shop last night, i showed a cuban guy where some of the cigars were. he was a carbon copy then placed in the dream (cuban guy)

theres a lot to know about me... but where to start. i guess the starting point is always one of the largest issues that everyone begins with - religion or politics or something like that. do i start with the simple things that i know are different between most people? do i start at the beginning? should i talk about major life changing events, or wait for a more grandiose stage to talk of my follies?

heres the baseline of me. im a 25 (well 10 days until 26) year old male. the end.

alright, here is the more interesting.

im flawed. there are are so many reasons im flawed. i argue often. i feel the need to have other people accept / validate my point of view. im often controversial because i approach things head on and rarely sugar coat anything. i have well formed opinions and i will stick to them during an initial confrontation. after that point, i take the time to reevaluate and may change my stance slightly based on that. i feel that being able to argue a point is essential. i pick needless fights because i feel the need to be right (just ask my girlfriend... she puts up with me somehow).

but i promise, i use this same flaw for good means... or maybe close to good means - im very protective of those i care about. i know this sounds ridiculous, but the words i say may hurt because of how raw and direct i am. but i will also be the first to jump to my friends aid, or to defend them when someone else is attacking them. and im vicious. completely vicious in fact. there are very few who have watched me completely deconstruct someone that was messing with a person i care about. it isnt pretty. i understand the logic of arguments, and i know how to burst them open to expose the things that people are hiding

coupled with that is the fact that opening up for me is simple. it allows me to have a free and clear version of what i am saying instead of having some hidden faultlines that could be exposed. in the same, it doesnt help me at all in some realms. i have this odd belief that the world would be a hell of a lot better off if people could actually talk about how they feel instead of being so repressed. perhaps people shouldnt be as liberal as i am with the dispensation of opinions though since i tend to hurt people in the process because i often attack their very belief structure (and let me tell you, when you do that its like trying to punch a shark in the face)... especially religion.

i was born catholic, and left the church years ago. i feel that the practices are outdated, although the moral structure that is taught is very good. now im a cross between buddhist and taoist teachings. they are the closest thing to spirituality i can envision being true. and they, to me, are what i feel fits me best as a person. a crazy, ideological person who has illusions of grandeur.

there same crazy theories have led me to formulate more theories about people, but i dont often share those for some reason. i think its partially because i fear rejection on them, but also partially because all too often i am absolutely right. when i make a bet with someone about another person's character / their capacity to do certain things based on that character, i win those bets about 97% of the time. i guess i should have went into a field that studies behavioral trends and the human psyche...

instead i choose computer science and business management as my two undergraduate degrees. computers for programming games, but i decided i wouldnt be able to do that for my entire life. business because i enjoyed the workings and theories. too bad the best theories are faulty in the majority of business because businesses have the tendency to make exceptions to their process instead of making others conform. go figure. i have my masters in management of information systems security - but honestly... its worthless in my company. if i ever leave here, it will serve me as a bartering chip for a better salary than i currently make.

either way i would have went back to school as i love learning. i love reading. that is something i got from my mom, as she reads at a rabid pace. she and my brother - i love the two of them more than anything. and i respect them both. as much as they have the capacity to agitate me, they also have the ability to keep me grounded and soothe me. almost as much, or perhaps sometimes more than writing does - which is one of my great loves and ambitions in life.

writing (perhaps a novel someday as i love being a twisted creator of sorts). painting (pushing my feelings to a canvas). sex (i wont deny my enjoyment, thats just silly). music (inspiration in a blind world).

theres me, in uh... 900 words or less.

 

some days i just want to give up on everyone and everything.


today is one of those days.

so recently i havent posted much because of projects at work and such. ive been working 12ish hour days and i am pretty much beating myself into the ground with trying to get everything ready for the projects launch. unfortunately, at the same time, my other supervisor has me creating reports for an important validation effort that has regulatory implications (if you dont know about it, just whistle to yourself for a little. just understand that the regulatory agencies are insane with a lot of the things they require). annnnnyway, the point is i have been working 60 hour weeks in preparation for both the reports and the project launch.

so no we are in crunch time and the stuff really needs to get done. data migrations are happening from one environment to another so they are ready to go to production. good good. its stressful but all seems to be coming together pretty well.

well, it was....

i just got a call from one of the database admins here. i can tell from his voice that something isnt right. he is trying to explain something to me and is stuttering over and over.

shit. something is wrong.

he tells me that the stuff i had been working on, configurationwise, still exists. but all of the members of the groups were accidentally wiped out.

wait? my data was wiped out... 25ish hours worth of work?

yeah. my data was gone. there was a glitch in the migration code that caused a major fault. the groups got created but didnt populate with the members.

and to think... i didnt keep a spreadsheet on all of this because i was doing it all manually... one at a time. so i ask about a backup. they have to be running a backup.

they were running a backup. but apparently it failed.

no problem. if i lost a day or two its no big deal.

oh no, it failed over about a year ago and it went unnoticed. we dont have any backups.

 

FML.

 

guess who gets to spend more of his time working on the same stuff....

 

 

im sitting in church a few weeks ago, there to support a couple of friends who are having their son baptized. mind you that is the only reason im even in the church, as the whole business gives me the creeps. anyhow, im feeling perfectly uncomfortable while trying not to be disinterested, but really i cant help myself. the archaic nature of the whole process is really just boggling my mind.

so of course, i drift in and out of the ceremony, wishing i could be elsewhere but still standing up for my obligation. but certain things just keep me coming back. oh no, dont you start thinking that im going back to the church or anything like that. in fact if one of you ultra christians is reading this, there is a good chance you are saying "see, jesus is trying to bring you back". no jesus is not trying to bring me back. in fact my logical mind is pushing me further away.

the deacon begins the little whole thing by talking of renewal and all that garbagio when he says one thing that rattled around in my brainpan for quite sometime - "i claim you for christ". wait, you do what? i feel like the dude is taking a look at a pizza and putting his claim on the piece. what the fuck? this isnt some inanimate object. this isnt a play toy. this is a child. claiming a child in the name of a religion is absolutely ridiculous.

it of course all gets worse. all of the symbolism, the outdated rituals, the stumbling over the pre-rehearsed words... its all crap. being there for this just reaffirmed my decision to leave the church almost 10 years ago. amazing isnt it? the whole process also reaffirms my belief that you shouldnt be given a religion upon birth. in fact you shouldnt be able to learn about religion until you are 16 or so. think about how people would react [at the age of 16] after first picking up something like the bible, qu'ran, or torah. they would likely be saying "wow, talk about amazingly interesting pieces of fiction". ultimately my dreams of freedom from oppressive religions for all peoples will never be realized... but whatever.... i need a beer.